I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
did i walk over a car last night?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize