all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
