He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
