I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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