Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize