NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
