I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
