I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize