Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Randomize
