You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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