at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I have tasted many bathrooms
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
