he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
