hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
