ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
im six kinds of drunk right now
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Randomize
