i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Randomize
