u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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