I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
MIDGETS
????
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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