i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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