I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
