My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Oh god it's open bar.
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