Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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