Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize