I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
