Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
