I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
