Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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