READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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