Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
