Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
