all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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