Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Randomize
