bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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