NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
