We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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