I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
