So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
