Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
