He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize
