so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
