Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
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