I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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