bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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