the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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