Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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