I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
