i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
