I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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