Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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