i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
