but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
