Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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