i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
