if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
