We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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