She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Come on in and take your pants off
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