dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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