I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize