but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
