oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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