Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
