So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Everyone says I win the strip club
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
