Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
