i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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